maybe

maybe i sound a tad bitter.

am i bitter? i don't think so. i just might be wary, and cynical. just a tad.

maybe i sound vengeful.

am i vengeful? i don't think so.  but i am tired of knowing other people are hurt by the same things i was.

maybe i sound like a hater.

am i  a hater? do i hate christians, christianity, religion of all kinds?

i'm married to a christian. a christian whose entire life was wrapped up in ministry.
and we love each other like there is no tomorrow.

i have no bitter angry feelings toward him. i am not vengeful toward him. i do not paint his faith with the same wide brush you may think i paint everything. we have disagreed on numerous things in the past and we will continue to disagree for the rest of our lives.

but i do not feel the need to stop him from believing what he believes.
he does not feel the need to stop me from believing what i believe.

my husband has a good friend who does not understand what i'm going through.
i respect him and his viewpoints and i trust he respects mine.
he cares and he knows i care, whether or not he understands.
he doesn't try to tell me what i should be thinking or feeling, so the relationship stands.

my husband has a good friend who does not understand what i'm going through.
this friend told my husband to do his leaderly duty and make me believe truth.
my husband said "do you not realize that's what made her run in the first place?"
i am nothing but a heretic to this friend, so the relationship can not stand.

some christians can respect that others may not ever believe the way they do.
some christians can't respect that, and can't imagine there are good reasons for it.

i respect, and totally understand, where christians are coming from.
i haven't forgotten what it's like to be immersed in that community.
i haven't forgotten what it's like to need doctrine to make sense so your life does.
i haven't forgotten why christians act like jerks - it wasn't that long ago i blamed my jerkiness on jesus.

but maybe, just maybe, i need time.
maybe i need healing from christians.
maybe i need healing from doctrine.
maybe i need healing from god.

maybe i am all the bad things people have said about me.

maybe that's okay.