freaks

today i read this article by scott r paeth.

hop on over and read it. go ahead. i'll wait.
it's short and wonderfully to the point.

unfortunately, i can't seem to write that way.

paeth talks about christianity as a community for and of the outsiders.
no matter my doubts and problems with church and religion, this is a
description of christianity that resonates with my soul and
my understanding of the bible and doctrine.

i didn't always understand what that meant.

okay. if i'm being true here, i still don't understand what that means.

which is pretty much the point of the blog linked to above.

i am just now starting to say "okay, if an african american says this is
racist, maybe i should listen to them and their viewpoint instead of
trying to reason it away.  after all, i have zero experience with this."

i am just now starting to realize how deeply insulated i was in layers of
christianese. i was in with the christianest of the christianest.

each layer subverted has brought me closer to the marginalized and
each layer closer to the marginalized i realize how little of an outsider
i actually am.

i can choose.

i did choose for so long to belong where i knew i did not belong.

fortunately/unfortunately i only learned how to have faith
in circumstances where i belong.

that's what happened as a result of christian tribalism.
you're with us or against us.
tick off the boxes to prove your faith.
belong with the right people,
say the right words and you're in.

because, somehow, belonging equals faith.
faith equals fitting into the status quo.
status quo means unilateral beliefs.
belief means your life will line up with man-interpreted rules.

i'm not marginalized. i'm not an outsider. i'm not a freak.

but i'm not an insider either.

not any more.

again

i'm writing again.

nothing important, just writing.

i wrote letters to my children. a love letter to the man.

i am almost ready to start replying to emails.

and i am definitely ready to be transparent - transparent even in front of gossipers.

so.

transparency.

here we go.

true rae

I started this blog a while ago in hopes that someday I would be free enough to write.

I titled it true rae because I wanted it to be a place for my true, flawed, self.