maybe

maybe i sound a tad bitter.

am i bitter? i don't think so. i just might be wary, and cynical. just a tad.

maybe i sound vengeful.

am i vengeful? i don't think so.  but i am tired of knowing other people are hurt by the same things i was.

maybe i sound like a hater.

am i  a hater? do i hate christians, christianity, religion of all kinds?

i'm married to a christian. a christian whose entire life was wrapped up in ministry.
and we love each other like there is no tomorrow.

i have no bitter angry feelings toward him. i am not vengeful toward him. i do not paint his faith with the same wide brush you may think i paint everything. we have disagreed on numerous things in the past and we will continue to disagree for the rest of our lives.

but i do not feel the need to stop him from believing what he believes.
he does not feel the need to stop me from believing what i believe.

my husband has a good friend who does not understand what i'm going through.
i respect him and his viewpoints and i trust he respects mine.
he cares and he knows i care, whether or not he understands.
he doesn't try to tell me what i should be thinking or feeling, so the relationship stands.

my husband has a good friend who does not understand what i'm going through.
this friend told my husband to do his leaderly duty and make me believe truth.
my husband said "do you not realize that's what made her run in the first place?"
i am nothing but a heretic to this friend, so the relationship can not stand.

some christians can respect that others may not ever believe the way they do.
some christians can't respect that, and can't imagine there are good reasons for it.

i respect, and totally understand, where christians are coming from.
i haven't forgotten what it's like to be immersed in that community.
i haven't forgotten what it's like to need doctrine to make sense so your life does.
i haven't forgotten why christians act like jerks - it wasn't that long ago i blamed my jerkiness on jesus.

but maybe, just maybe, i need time.
maybe i need healing from christians.
maybe i need healing from doctrine.
maybe i need healing from god.

maybe i am all the bad things people have said about me.

maybe that's okay.

an abusive faith

i know, before i even begin to write this, that not everyone has this experience with christianity. for me, what i am about to write is very, very true. you can explain it away all you want, by saying it's not jesus and the people who perpetrated these ideas aren't really christians (no true scotsman, anyone?) and that it's just this one sect or type of christians that make me draw this comparison.

maybe.  just maybe.

but growing up in a conservative evangelical faith tradition, i found that their claim to having the "truth" encompassed these things. they still preach (in fact, this very week) that they have the right answers and the right interpretation. it's very difficult, after a lifetime of that, to see real-true-christianity in any other light.

unfortunately there are liberal-basically-agnostic people who have felt this same thing from their churches, communities and versions of christianity. so make of it what you will - take it or leave it.

i feel this way.

The Warning Signs of Abuse - from www.stoprelationshipabuse.org

[insert church/christians/doctrine/god in place of partner]

Do you feel nervous around your partner?

Hell yes. The reasons will become apparent as we go through the checklist.

Do you have to be careful to control your behavior to avoid your partner’s anger?

Yes. Even when I was dealing with people/ideas of god that didn't blatantly say he would punish or reward specific behavior there was always the idea of "put god first" if you want the good stuff. If nothing else you needed to control your behavior to avoid the anger and scorn of fellow believers. If they were progressive enough to believe that God wasn't going to punish you (or "withhold blessings") then at the very least they saw their concern or frustration with you as righteous, and something they did on God's behalf.

Do you feel pressured by your partner when it comes to sex?

In this context "sex" could stand for evangelism or staying pure or whatever you wanted - and YES i felt pressured in all kinds of things. But I also felt pressured by christian doctrine to put out for my husband whenever he wanted because my "body is not my own."

Are you scared of disagreeing with your partner?

I was scared of disagreeing with god. That would make me a "fool" or "disobedient" or most likely rebellious, which is as bad as witchcraft. We all know that a truly surrendered Christian does not disagree with God. That is the slippery slope to hell. God is GOD, you know. And on top of that, I was scared to disagree with the powers that be, and fellow Christians. Shame, shunning and gossip was the least of the things to be scared of, with future job positions being taken away and being sent away from the church community being absolute possibilities.

Does your partner criticize you, or humiliate you in front of other people?

Does God do this? Well... I could maybe make a case. (His word humiliates enough people in it's pages.) But enough of His People do it in His name that it doesn't matter if He does it. Public confessions and repentance requirements can often be humiliating. Public criticism in the name of God is just par for the course.

Is your partner always checking up on you or questioning you about what you do without your partner?

Hahahaha! I just have to laugh. It's amazing how accurately this describes the Bible College campus where I spent six years of my life. And then, of course, there is the "God is always watching! God knows everything you do!" stock christianese.

Does your partner repeatedly and wrongly accuse you of seeing or flirting with other people?

It's amazing how just a small departure from the prescribed script will bring about accusations of wrong doctrine, even if you have expressly stated you agree with the person accusing you. Repeatedly and wrongly - absolutely. If you head down a path not explicitly laid out as okay, get ready for accusations and gossip. Lots and lots of gossip.

Does your partner tell you that if you changed, he or she wouldn’t treat you like this?

As I was told, time and again: "Following God's laws means you will be blessed! If you would just obey him then you wouldn't have all these bad things in your life!"  And, of course, you hear the same thing from church leadership. Stop living together, THEN I will marry you. Become a Christian and THEN I will baptize your child. Start obeying Jesus and I will stop telling you that your very life is wrong.

Does your partner’s jealousy stop you from seeing friends or family?

In more extreme cases, yes. When friends and family are not "good influences" or are the ones who are "leading you away from Jesus."

Does your partner make you feel like you are wrong, stupid, crazy, or inadequate?

Hahahah! YES! Both God and Christians! 

Has your partner ever scared you with violence or threatening behavior?

I can't even tell you how many times I heard "if you are not where God wants you to be then ANYTHING can happen to you." Also see: The ENTIRE old testament.

Does your partner say, “I will kill myself if you break up with me” or “I will hurt/kill you if you break up with me”?

How about "I'll send you to hell for all of eternity if you leave me?" Does that qualify? SUre, you could say that Jesus said "I will die so we can be together." which is all fine and good, but completely loses all goodness once it adds "And if you refuse me, then eternal suffering and torment for you!"

Does your partner make excuses for the abusive behavior? For example: saying, “It’s because of alcohol or drugs,” or “I can’t control my temper,” or “I was just joking”?

"it's because I love you" would be the one.


To be honest, I just don't know how to get past this. I can't find solace in any doctrines - anything but universalism seems cruel and abusive. For a time I found a home in a very strict lutheran interpretation of law and gospel, but there was just still such an emphasis on hell and punishment/reward (even if it wasn't directly salvation related) that I quickly tired of trying to make that work. I could possibly embrace universalism but I am wary now of everything. Everything.

I suppose that's about how I would feel if I had been with an abusive partner.

I would be wary of every potential partner.

[disclaimer: i do not intend this post to diminish in any way the physical, emotional, verbal abuse that many people endure every single day. for me, to acknowledge abuse in a spiritual sense does not take away from the reality of other kinds of abuse, and i hope that i am not an idiot for thinking so.]

the same

the tribal aspect of christianity lends itself to many strange delusions.

like the idea that agnostics, atheists and liberals are some kind of strange beast. who knows what they talk about or plot in their living rooms at night. they probably watch colbert and hate on christians and smoke pot and watch porn and tear pages out of priceless bibles, if they even own one.

whatever they are, it isn't normal.

they don't pray over their meals or obsess about having their *devos* and they don't spend time "in the word" and time "with god" and they are probably being constantly attacked by demons - except maybe demons attack gods people because they want to get those active in the faith! - and they live in fear of things like demons, having an empty life that means nothing and going to HELL when they die.

these people are in rebellion to god and his word and they are reaping the fruits of their sinful, disobedient and godless lives. therefore they are miserable, on anti-depressants, probably coke heads or hippies.

as i said before, when i called myself a "hopeful agnostic" i really didn't see it as a complete derivation from the faith. i didn't imagine that i was a godless hippie. it wasn't until i truly began to realize how others who were IN the fold saw me that i understood. i had become the "fool who says in his heart, there is no god."

suddenly i know, from intimate experience, why and how everyone is flipping out and why this is such a big deal. i'm not ME anymore. i'm not whole. i'm not safe. i'm not a christian.

i am the cautionary tale.

but the truth, from my perspective, is completely different.

i'm still absolutely the same.

dropping a title of faith has not changed what i believe to be right or wrong. my political and faith switch from conservative to liberal was pushed forward and encouraged by my faith, by the things i was learning and by the bible - by jesus.

my moral and ethical beliefs haven't changed. i still don't spank my kids, as much as i want to. i still don't cheat on my husband - but to be fair, ian somerhalder hasn't approached me yet. i still teach my children to be kind and generous and i hope some of it sticks. i'm not watching porn tonight, i'm watching the biggest loser. but that's kind of a false comparison for me, since i gave up my crusade against porn a long time before i gave up my crusade against women pastors and those who pervert law and gospel.

i spend my time doing the same things i enjoyed before my fall. studying theology and psychology and sociology. taking photographs and making my own little bits of art.  writing. i finally want to write again. i even finally enjoy digging through my crap and finding who i am, who i really am, deep down.

the anti-depressants went the way of faith. instead of being that faithless person who can't live without them, i was a stronger person who found life bearable again.

this whole process has been one of finding so many things that were presented to me as undeniable truths fall apart.

maybe it was the idea that christianity (minus the evil libruls) is a cohesive and united bunch.

maybe it was the idea that "the bible clearly says" anything. take your pick of your pet theology.

maybe it was that atheists are amoral or immoral people.

most likely it was that christianity is a force for good in the world, as i watched and heard person after person testify to the hurt caused in their lives by christianity and read historical story after story of christians oppressing and hurting others.

for me, my personal experience held more weight than often conflicting abstracts that others were using to shame me into being someone i'm not.

and i'm a happier, healthier person now.

hopeful

The first time I told someone I wasn't the christian they thought I was, I used the phrase "hopeful agnostic."

I chose the word hopeful because I still had hope that christians could be kind, wonderful, people. I had hope that some things in the Bible may be true and even more I hoped that some things were false. I had not yet given up on people or truth - even if my ideas of people and truth were not what I had been taught they should be.

I chose agnostic because I didn't know. I don't know. I don't know if god is there, or if he is what kind of god he may be or what name he may use or what he may or may not ask of me.

To me, hopeful agnostic is a very honest and hope-filled phrase. It means I'm searching and learning and that I can't restrict myself to beliefs that no longer ring true. It means growth and questions.

All good things.

I continued to use my preferred, helpful phrase while we moved from seminary to shunned status.

It took a long time for me to realize how others were seeing that phrase, and consequently, seeing me.

It seemed to scare people. It wasn't a phrase of hope, as I imagined it, but one of self-condemnation and, often, self-illusion. It didn't mean questions and learning - it meant demons were deceiving me, or I had fallen prey to "the world" and most of all (worst of all) it meant I was going to hell.

I don't think I even realized how far I had fallen from grace until the moment I realized how much my very existence scared the people who used to welcome me as their own.

I was already so far from being one of them that I couldn't even comprehend their fears, I couldn't even grasp the reasoning that led to their fears. That I should be afraid for me, or concerned for me did not even cross my mind.

In my mind I was not condemned. I was hopeful.

They saw me as if in a dark, needy place.

And for me it was different. For me it was the first time in a long time I was overcome by light. By peace. By hope.

You can't fight that feeling with circular biblical reasoning. Say all you want that it is because my heart has hardened or my eyes have been clouded or I am a fool or possessed by demons or have been enticed away by the lust of the eyes and the foolishness of my human heart.

But to finally have peace and some measure of joy? You can't fight that with doctrine.

snap grace

it is four in the morning and i'm awake.

i'm awake crying.

what is it, you ask, that keeps me up?

stupid, senseless comments.



someone i barely know in my new circle disparaged someone else's use of food stamps.

that in itself is a funny story, because this "someone else" is a someone she has never met.
someone who, by all accounts, has quite a bit of tough issues going on.
someone who was just reamed on a "mom support" message board.

how those things turn all moms into bitches i will never know.

as the night went on the discussion turned to children and all the things you need to have to survive.

like lots and lots of extra crib sheets.
and at least three mattress protectors.
and the list goes on. and on. and on.

i remember when my oldest was born. we were given so so much.  we bought a few cloth diapers and were given the rest of those. we felt so blessed and insanely overwhelmed with gratitude.

and we still had no crib. two sheets that had been my siblings, that we haphazardly wrapped around the bottom of our second hand pack'n'play. i forgot we even needed a baptismal gown until my mom brought my old gown (that she had made by hand when she was pregnant with me) for our little one.


the point here is not all the things we were missing. the point is we didn't even know we were missing them, and when people tried to tell us, we didn't care.

maybe because we were so young, so naive. so hopeful and so innocent.

we just figured we would bring our baby home. we would wrap him up in blankets made with love by grandparents and great grandparents. we would pop him in his 10 year old bouncer and/or ancient garage sale jumper. we would snuggle him all we could. he would sleep in his "bed" sometimes and sleep with us sometimes and sometimes not sleep at all. we would hold onto his soothies because after the hospital we wouldn't have money for more. and we would love. we would love so so much.

those days were so infinitely wonderful. i borrowed my mom's rarely used bread maker and enjoyed paying thirty cents a loaf instead of two dollars. we ate pasta by the pound, literally, so we would forget  that the dish had only a few ounces of meat in it.  the husband would read homework on the couch with our child sleeping on his chest and i would wash another load of diapers and dishcloths and i didn't even miss paper towels.

then the twins came. pregnant again. and i was just excited and grateful that i had a few clearance dresses from target that i could wear the entire pregnancy, and one pair of maternity pants and one maternity dress.

the twins came and it was harder. it was more exhausting. it was more stressful.

stretching the budget became harder as meager savings dwindled and we really DID save pennies in a jar on top of the fridge and i cut coupons and searched deals so our grocery budget would fit under thirty dollars a week. i burst into tears once when my dad was talking about how gross the cheap hamburger at walmart was because i had just been super excited to get it for 1.12/pound.

we finally came to the point where we found ourselves walking into a food shelf with a panicky feeling in our gut. what if they turned us away? we had a place to live, we had a check every two weeks. our monthly income was only twenty dollars over our rent and still we worried.

the woman who interviewed me asked, in shock, "you aren't on food stamps?"

no. we were not on food stamps. because christians fend for themselves, they don't rely on the government. the church takes care of them, or the men do the manly thing and make sure their families are provided for. the wives do the wifely thing and make the money stretch.

that's just what you do.

and if you didn't have the money to be doing that, then you shouldn't have had those kids.
or you shouldn't be in seminary.
or you should work more than 20 hours a week.
or you should get a different job.
or the wife should get a different job.
but not put the kids in daycare, of course.
so change that to...
the wife should take in daycare or sewing or whatever.

so i made the trek downtown. i sat in a line for an hour. i sat in another line for half an hour. i talked to someone, personally, about our situation for half an hour.

and i left with a little card. a little card with a minnesota lake scene.

a little card that had more food money on it than we made every month.

five times. five times our previous food budget.

five times.

i still cry thinking about that day. that moment.

if you haven't been in a similar situation and you think you're okay to give your opinion on food stamps, can i ask you one thing?

please. shut up.

it's all fine and good to say "well, it's ILLEGAL to feed anyone but your family with food stamps, so if you can do that you shouldn't be on food stamps anyway!"

sounds simple enough, right?

it's not. it's so not.

any time we had friends over they were eating food bought from food stamps or WIC.
if someone asked me to bring a dish to a party or a shower it was bought with food stamps.
when we brought food to a potluck, or a shut in or a family with a new baby...

food stamps.

that's just what happens when you do not have any other money to spend on food.
any food you have or share comes from your food stamp money.

so please.

unless you're ready to really listen to others, keep your mouth shut.

and no matter how many times i start to learn this lesson i have to start over.

the husband likes to be proud of how we finished school with no debt.
and now we have as much debt as he makes in a year - 9 months out of school.
we would get frustrated with and try to take advantage of salesmen when we bought cars.
now the husband sells cars. and their job just plain sucks and it is so hard to make a dime.
i would criticize parents for whatever thing their kids did.
and now it's my kids doing fill-in-the-blank-what-a-bad-parent.

none of the people in these tales are beyond redemption, or are all good or all bad.
not me.
not my husband.
not my acquaintances.
not crazy mom board women.

not one.

i just need to remind myself:

give grace.

because someday you might need it too.

what they did not say

When we had an interview for the position of Youth Leaders at our church we were asked if we had any love for the emergent church. If we did have any emergent affiliations, any connections or sympathies, that would've disqualified us from youth leadership.

I said no.

I said no because all I knew of the emergent church could be summed up in three things:

It was bad.
They hated the Bible.
They were liberal heretics.

I hadn't touched a single article or book written by a leader in the emergent church or been exposed to anything "emergent" except a single Rob Bell video.

My first real blog was on Xanga.  Yes, Xanga.

Thanks to a little community I found there, I was exposed to a hippie-ish branch of Christians whose voice was not heard in my real life community.

I'm a bleeding heart liberal hippie at my core, so reading about the Biblical case for things like pacifism, living in community, feeding the poor and how Christianity did not equal being a republican, all spoke directly to me.

This was my very first introduction to people who regularly used names like Scot McKnight and N. T. Wright and Rob Bell.  This was my first introduction to egalitarianism.

One of my favorite Xanga bloggers, SirNickDon, mentioned his egalitarian marriage in passing.

I respected him. I enjoyed his writings. I had read enough of his work, given him enough of a chance so that I could see past any theological disagreements we had acknowledge his faith was real, his love for others was real and his love and worship of God was genuine.

And still.  And STILL when he mentioned egalitarianism my very first instinct was to doubt that he had read the Bible at all. To doubt his faith, his sincerity, whether or not he held the Bible up as the infallable, inerrant Word of God.

As I remember, Sir Nick Don didn't feel the need to defend his egalitarianism.  He approached it as if "this is settled in my own mind and all y'all can take it or leave it - I know what I believe." He had the confidence in his beliefs that I thought belonged only to the "other side" of that debate.

And it bugged me.

It bugged me that someone I respected had a confident, almost nonchalant approach to this ESSENTIAL doctrine of family life. It bugged me that he didn't list of a bunch of reasons or points that I could summarily debunk. It just really, really bugged me.

So, me being me, I researched. I had to. I had to research til I knew why he could have such nonchalant confidence. And I did it on my own power, without pressure from anyone. Just because someone I respected held a different opinion, and held it confidently without trying to convince me to join.

The same thing happened with homosexuality.

I realized someone I really liked, really respected and looked up to had a different opinion than I did.

And they were confident. They shared their belief in love and with that nonchalant manner of someone who knows something to be true. Knows it to be true based on evidence and based on the truth they know in their bones. The truth from their gut.

That truth that didn't need to be proven or have lists of refutations for it to be true.

Augustine (apparently) said "The truth is like a lion. You don't have to defend it. Let it loose. It will defend itself.” 

That is an attitude I had (and have) not yet seen among my conservative fundamentalist peers.

And yet almost every time I encountered someone with a differing view that freed people and promoted equality, kindness and (evil word alert!) tolerance, they approached it with this attitude.

In the past I would have explained that away by saying "Look! They have no proof! They just believe this because they want to believe it!"

I could only tell myself that so many times before it began to sound like a hollow excuse.

It sounded like a hollow excuse because it was a hollow excuse.

freaks

today i read this article by scott r paeth.

hop on over and read it. go ahead. i'll wait.
it's short and wonderfully to the point.

unfortunately, i can't seem to write that way.

paeth talks about christianity as a community for and of the outsiders.
no matter my doubts and problems with church and religion, this is a
description of christianity that resonates with my soul and
my understanding of the bible and doctrine.

i didn't always understand what that meant.

okay. if i'm being true here, i still don't understand what that means.

which is pretty much the point of the blog linked to above.

i am just now starting to say "okay, if an african american says this is
racist, maybe i should listen to them and their viewpoint instead of
trying to reason it away.  after all, i have zero experience with this."

i am just now starting to realize how deeply insulated i was in layers of
christianese. i was in with the christianest of the christianest.

each layer subverted has brought me closer to the marginalized and
each layer closer to the marginalized i realize how little of an outsider
i actually am.

i can choose.

i did choose for so long to belong where i knew i did not belong.

fortunately/unfortunately i only learned how to have faith
in circumstances where i belong.

that's what happened as a result of christian tribalism.
you're with us or against us.
tick off the boxes to prove your faith.
belong with the right people,
say the right words and you're in.

because, somehow, belonging equals faith.
faith equals fitting into the status quo.
status quo means unilateral beliefs.
belief means your life will line up with man-interpreted rules.

i'm not marginalized. i'm not an outsider. i'm not a freak.

but i'm not an insider either.

not any more.