The first time I told someone I wasn't the christian they thought I was, I used the phrase "hopeful agnostic."
I chose the word hopeful because I still had hope that christians could be kind, wonderful, people. I had hope that some things in the Bible may be true and even more I hoped that some things were false. I had not yet given up on people or truth - even if my ideas of people and truth were not what I had been taught they should be.
I chose agnostic because I didn't know. I don't know. I don't know if god is there, or if he is what kind of god he may be or what name he may use or what he may or may not ask of me.
To me, hopeful agnostic is a very honest and hope-filled phrase. It means I'm searching and learning and that I can't restrict myself to beliefs that no longer ring true. It means growth and questions.
All good things.
I continued to use my preferred, helpful phrase while we moved from seminary to shunned status.
It took a long time for me to realize how others were seeing that phrase, and consequently, seeing me.
It seemed to scare people. It wasn't a phrase of hope, as I imagined it, but one of self-condemnation and, often, self-illusion. It didn't mean questions and learning - it meant demons were deceiving me, or I had fallen prey to "the world" and most of all (worst of all) it meant I was going to hell.
I don't think I even realized how far I had fallen from grace until the moment I realized how much my very existence scared the people who used to welcome me as their own.
I was already so far from being one of them that I couldn't even comprehend their fears, I couldn't even grasp the reasoning that led to their fears. That I should be afraid for me, or concerned for me did not even cross my mind.
In my mind I was not condemned. I was hopeful.
They saw me as if in a dark, needy place.
And for me it was different. For me it was the first time in a long time I was overcome by light. By peace. By hope.
You can't fight that feeling with circular biblical reasoning. Say all you want that it is because my heart has hardened or my eyes have been clouded or I am a fool or possessed by demons or have been enticed away by the lust of the eyes and the foolishness of my human heart.
But to finally have peace and some measure of joy? You can't fight that with doctrine.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Monday, December 10, 2012
snap grace
it is four in the morning and i'm awake.
i'm awake crying.
what is it, you ask, that keeps me up?
stupid, senseless comments.
someone i barely know in my new circle disparaged someone else's use of food stamps.
that in itself is a funny story, because this "someone else" is a someone she has never met.
someone who, by all accounts, has quite a bit of tough issues going on.
someone who was just reamed on a "mom support" message board.
how those things turn all moms into bitches i will never know.
as the night went on the discussion turned to children and all the things you need to have to survive.
like lots and lots of extra crib sheets.
and at least three mattress protectors.
and the list goes on. and on. and on.
i remember when my oldest was born. we were given so so much. we bought a few cloth diapers and were given the rest of those. we felt so blessed and insanely overwhelmed with gratitude.
and we still had no crib. two sheets that had been my siblings, that we haphazardly wrapped around the bottom of our second hand pack'n'play. i forgot we even needed a baptismal gown until my mom brought my old gown (that she had made by hand when she was pregnant with me) for our little one.
the point here is not all the things we were missing. the point is we didn't even know we were missing them, and when people tried to tell us, we didn't care.
maybe because we were so young, so naive. so hopeful and so innocent.
we just figured we would bring our baby home. we would wrap him up in blankets made with love by grandparents and great grandparents. we would pop him in his 10 year old bouncer and/or ancient garage sale jumper. we would snuggle him all we could. he would sleep in his "bed" sometimes and sleep with us sometimes and sometimes not sleep at all. we would hold onto his soothies because after the hospital we wouldn't have money for more. and we would love. we would love so so much.
those days were so infinitely wonderful. i borrowed my mom's rarely used bread maker and enjoyed paying thirty cents a loaf instead of two dollars. we ate pasta by the pound, literally, so we would forget that the dish had only a few ounces of meat in it. the husband would read homework on the couch with our child sleeping on his chest and i would wash another load of diapers and dishcloths and i didn't even miss paper towels.
then the twins came. pregnant again. and i was just excited and grateful that i had a few clearance dresses from target that i could wear the entire pregnancy, and one pair of maternity pants and one maternity dress.
the twins came and it was harder. it was more exhausting. it was more stressful.
stretching the budget became harder as meager savings dwindled and we really DID save pennies in a jar on top of the fridge and i cut coupons and searched deals so our grocery budget would fit under thirty dollars a week. i burst into tears once when my dad was talking about how gross the cheap hamburger at walmart was because i had just been super excited to get it for 1.12/pound.
we finally came to the point where we found ourselves walking into a food shelf with a panicky feeling in our gut. what if they turned us away? we had a place to live, we had a check every two weeks. our monthly income was only twenty dollars over our rent and still we worried.
the woman who interviewed me asked, in shock, "you aren't on food stamps?"
no. we were not on food stamps. because christians fend for themselves, they don't rely on the government. the church takes care of them, or the men do the manly thing and make sure their families are provided for. the wives do the wifely thing and make the money stretch.
that's just what you do.
and if you didn't have the money to be doing that, then you shouldn't have had those kids.
or you shouldn't be in seminary.
or you should work more than 20 hours a week.
or you should get a different job.
or the wife should get a different job.
but not put the kids in daycare, of course.
so change that to...
the wife should take in daycare or sewing or whatever.
so i made the trek downtown. i sat in a line for an hour. i sat in another line for half an hour. i talked to someone, personally, about our situation for half an hour.
and i left with a little card. a little card with a minnesota lake scene.
a little card that had more food money on it than we made every month.
five times. five times our previous food budget.
five times.
i still cry thinking about that day. that moment.
if you haven't been in a similar situation and you think you're okay to give your opinion on food stamps, can i ask you one thing?
please. shut up.
it's all fine and good to say "well, it's ILLEGAL to feed anyone but your family with food stamps, so if you can do that you shouldn't be on food stamps anyway!"
sounds simple enough, right?
it's not. it's so not.
any time we had friends over they were eating food bought from food stamps or WIC.
if someone asked me to bring a dish to a party or a shower it was bought with food stamps.
when we brought food to a potluck, or a shut in or a family with a new baby...
food stamps.
that's just what happens when you do not have any other money to spend on food.
any food you have or share comes from your food stamp money.
so please.
unless you're ready to really listen to others, keep your mouth shut.
and no matter how many times i start to learn this lesson i have to start over.
the husband likes to be proud of how we finished school with no debt.
and now we have as much debt as he makes in a year - 9 months out of school.
we would get frustrated with and try to take advantage of salesmen when we bought cars.
now the husband sells cars. and their job just plain sucks and it is so hard to make a dime.
i would criticize parents for whatever thing their kids did.
and now it's my kids doing fill-in-the-blank-what-a-bad-parent.
none of the people in these tales are beyond redemption, or are all good or all bad.
not me.
not my husband.
not my acquaintances.
not crazy mom board women.
not one.
i just need to remind myself:
give grace.
because someday you might need it too.
i'm awake crying.
what is it, you ask, that keeps me up?
stupid, senseless comments.
someone i barely know in my new circle disparaged someone else's use of food stamps.
that in itself is a funny story, because this "someone else" is a someone she has never met.
someone who, by all accounts, has quite a bit of tough issues going on.
someone who was just reamed on a "mom support" message board.
how those things turn all moms into bitches i will never know.
as the night went on the discussion turned to children and all the things you need to have to survive.
like lots and lots of extra crib sheets.
and at least three mattress protectors.
and the list goes on. and on. and on.
i remember when my oldest was born. we were given so so much. we bought a few cloth diapers and were given the rest of those. we felt so blessed and insanely overwhelmed with gratitude.
and we still had no crib. two sheets that had been my siblings, that we haphazardly wrapped around the bottom of our second hand pack'n'play. i forgot we even needed a baptismal gown until my mom brought my old gown (that she had made by hand when she was pregnant with me) for our little one.
the point here is not all the things we were missing. the point is we didn't even know we were missing them, and when people tried to tell us, we didn't care.
maybe because we were so young, so naive. so hopeful and so innocent.
we just figured we would bring our baby home. we would wrap him up in blankets made with love by grandparents and great grandparents. we would pop him in his 10 year old bouncer and/or ancient garage sale jumper. we would snuggle him all we could. he would sleep in his "bed" sometimes and sleep with us sometimes and sometimes not sleep at all. we would hold onto his soothies because after the hospital we wouldn't have money for more. and we would love. we would love so so much.
those days were so infinitely wonderful. i borrowed my mom's rarely used bread maker and enjoyed paying thirty cents a loaf instead of two dollars. we ate pasta by the pound, literally, so we would forget that the dish had only a few ounces of meat in it. the husband would read homework on the couch with our child sleeping on his chest and i would wash another load of diapers and dishcloths and i didn't even miss paper towels.
then the twins came. pregnant again. and i was just excited and grateful that i had a few clearance dresses from target that i could wear the entire pregnancy, and one pair of maternity pants and one maternity dress.
the twins came and it was harder. it was more exhausting. it was more stressful.
stretching the budget became harder as meager savings dwindled and we really DID save pennies in a jar on top of the fridge and i cut coupons and searched deals so our grocery budget would fit under thirty dollars a week. i burst into tears once when my dad was talking about how gross the cheap hamburger at walmart was because i had just been super excited to get it for 1.12/pound.
we finally came to the point where we found ourselves walking into a food shelf with a panicky feeling in our gut. what if they turned us away? we had a place to live, we had a check every two weeks. our monthly income was only twenty dollars over our rent and still we worried.
the woman who interviewed me asked, in shock, "you aren't on food stamps?"
no. we were not on food stamps. because christians fend for themselves, they don't rely on the government. the church takes care of them, or the men do the manly thing and make sure their families are provided for. the wives do the wifely thing and make the money stretch.
that's just what you do.
and if you didn't have the money to be doing that, then you shouldn't have had those kids.
or you shouldn't be in seminary.
or you should work more than 20 hours a week.
or you should get a different job.
or the wife should get a different job.
but not put the kids in daycare, of course.
so change that to...
the wife should take in daycare or sewing or whatever.
so i made the trek downtown. i sat in a line for an hour. i sat in another line for half an hour. i talked to someone, personally, about our situation for half an hour.
and i left with a little card. a little card with a minnesota lake scene.
a little card that had more food money on it than we made every month.
five times. five times our previous food budget.
five times.
i still cry thinking about that day. that moment.
if you haven't been in a similar situation and you think you're okay to give your opinion on food stamps, can i ask you one thing?
please. shut up.
it's all fine and good to say "well, it's ILLEGAL to feed anyone but your family with food stamps, so if you can do that you shouldn't be on food stamps anyway!"
sounds simple enough, right?
it's not. it's so not.
any time we had friends over they were eating food bought from food stamps or WIC.
if someone asked me to bring a dish to a party or a shower it was bought with food stamps.
when we brought food to a potluck, or a shut in or a family with a new baby...
food stamps.
that's just what happens when you do not have any other money to spend on food.
any food you have or share comes from your food stamp money.
so please.
unless you're ready to really listen to others, keep your mouth shut.
and no matter how many times i start to learn this lesson i have to start over.
the husband likes to be proud of how we finished school with no debt.
and now we have as much debt as he makes in a year - 9 months out of school.
we would get frustrated with and try to take advantage of salesmen when we bought cars.
now the husband sells cars. and their job just plain sucks and it is so hard to make a dime.
i would criticize parents for whatever thing their kids did.
and now it's my kids doing fill-in-the-blank-what-a-bad-parent.
none of the people in these tales are beyond redemption, or are all good or all bad.
not me.
not my husband.
not my acquaintances.
not crazy mom board women.
not one.
i just need to remind myself:
give grace.
because someday you might need it too.
Friday, December 7, 2012
what they did not say
When we had an interview for the position of Youth Leaders at our church we were asked if we had any love for the emergent church. If we did have any emergent affiliations, any connections or sympathies, that would've disqualified us from youth leadership.
I said no.
I said no because all I knew of the emergent church could be summed up in three things:
It was bad.
They hated the Bible.
They were liberal heretics.
I hadn't touched a single article or book written by a leader in the emergent church or been exposed to anything "emergent" except a single Rob Bell video.
My first real blog was on Xanga. Yes, Xanga.
Thanks to a little community I found there, I was exposed to a hippie-ish branch of Christians whose voice was not heard in my real life community.
I'm a bleeding heart liberal hippie at my core, so reading about the Biblical case for things like pacifism, living in community, feeding the poor and how Christianity did not equal being a republican, all spoke directly to me.
This was my very first introduction to people who regularly used names like Scot McKnight and N. T. Wright and Rob Bell. This was my first introduction to egalitarianism.
One of my favorite Xanga bloggers, SirNickDon, mentioned his egalitarian marriage in passing.
I respected him. I enjoyed his writings. I had read enough of his work, given him enough of a chance so that I could see past any theological disagreements we had acknowledge his faith was real, his love for others was real and his love and worship of God was genuine.
And still. And STILL when he mentioned egalitarianism my very first instinct was to doubt that he had read the Bible at all. To doubt his faith, his sincerity, whether or not he held the Bible up as the infallable, inerrant Word of God.
As I remember, Sir Nick Don didn't feel the need to defend his egalitarianism. He approached it as if "this is settled in my own mind and all y'all can take it or leave it - I know what I believe." He had the confidence in his beliefs that I thought belonged only to the "other side" of that debate.
And it bugged me.
It bugged me that someone I respected had a confident, almost nonchalant approach to this ESSENTIAL doctrine of family life. It bugged me that he didn't list of a bunch of reasons or points that I could summarily debunk. It just really, really bugged me.
So, me being me, I researched. I had to. I had to research til I knew why he could have such nonchalant confidence. And I did it on my own power, without pressure from anyone. Just because someone I respected held a different opinion, and held it confidently without trying to convince me to join.
The same thing happened with homosexuality.
I realized someone I really liked, really respected and looked up to had a different opinion than I did.
And they were confident. They shared their belief in love and with that nonchalant manner of someone who knows something to be true. Knows it to be true based on evidence and based on the truth they know in their bones. The truth from their gut.
That truth that didn't need to be proven or have lists of refutations for it to be true.
Augustine (apparently) said "The truth is like a lion. You don't have to defend it. Let it loose. It will defend itself.”
That is an attitude I had (and have) not yet seen among my conservative fundamentalist peers.
And yet almost every time I encountered someone with a differing view that freed people and promoted equality, kindness and (evil word alert!) tolerance, they approached it with this attitude.
In the past I would have explained that away by saying "Look! They have no proof! They just believe this because they want to believe it!"
I could only tell myself that so many times before it began to sound like a hollow excuse.
It sounded like a hollow excuse because it was a hollow excuse.
I said no.
I said no because all I knew of the emergent church could be summed up in three things:
It was bad.
They hated the Bible.
They were liberal heretics.
I hadn't touched a single article or book written by a leader in the emergent church or been exposed to anything "emergent" except a single Rob Bell video.
My first real blog was on Xanga. Yes, Xanga.
Thanks to a little community I found there, I was exposed to a hippie-ish branch of Christians whose voice was not heard in my real life community.
I'm a bleeding heart liberal hippie at my core, so reading about the Biblical case for things like pacifism, living in community, feeding the poor and how Christianity did not equal being a republican, all spoke directly to me.
This was my very first introduction to people who regularly used names like Scot McKnight and N. T. Wright and Rob Bell. This was my first introduction to egalitarianism.
One of my favorite Xanga bloggers, SirNickDon, mentioned his egalitarian marriage in passing.
I respected him. I enjoyed his writings. I had read enough of his work, given him enough of a chance so that I could see past any theological disagreements we had acknowledge his faith was real, his love for others was real and his love and worship of God was genuine.
And still. And STILL when he mentioned egalitarianism my very first instinct was to doubt that he had read the Bible at all. To doubt his faith, his sincerity, whether or not he held the Bible up as the infallable, inerrant Word of God.
As I remember, Sir Nick Don didn't feel the need to defend his egalitarianism. He approached it as if "this is settled in my own mind and all y'all can take it or leave it - I know what I believe." He had the confidence in his beliefs that I thought belonged only to the "other side" of that debate.
And it bugged me.
It bugged me that someone I respected had a confident, almost nonchalant approach to this ESSENTIAL doctrine of family life. It bugged me that he didn't list of a bunch of reasons or points that I could summarily debunk. It just really, really bugged me.
So, me being me, I researched. I had to. I had to research til I knew why he could have such nonchalant confidence. And I did it on my own power, without pressure from anyone. Just because someone I respected held a different opinion, and held it confidently without trying to convince me to join.
The same thing happened with homosexuality.
I realized someone I really liked, really respected and looked up to had a different opinion than I did.
And they were confident. They shared their belief in love and with that nonchalant manner of someone who knows something to be true. Knows it to be true based on evidence and based on the truth they know in their bones. The truth from their gut.
That truth that didn't need to be proven or have lists of refutations for it to be true.
Augustine (apparently) said "The truth is like a lion. You don't have to defend it. Let it loose. It will defend itself.”
That is an attitude I had (and have) not yet seen among my conservative fundamentalist peers.
And yet almost every time I encountered someone with a differing view that freed people and promoted equality, kindness and (evil word alert!) tolerance, they approached it with this attitude.
In the past I would have explained that away by saying "Look! They have no proof! They just believe this because they want to believe it!"
I could only tell myself that so many times before it began to sound like a hollow excuse.
It sounded like a hollow excuse because it was a hollow excuse.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
freaks
today i read this article by scott r paeth.
hop on over and read it. go ahead. i'll wait.
it's short and wonderfully to the point.
unfortunately, i can't seem to write that way.
paeth talks about christianity as a community for and of the outsiders.
no matter my doubts and problems with church and religion, this is a
description of christianity that resonates with my soul and
my understanding of the bible and doctrine.
i didn't always understand what that meant.
okay. if i'm being true here, i still don't understand what that means.
which is pretty much the point of the blog linked to above.
i am just now starting to say "okay, if an african american says this is
racist, maybe i should listen to them and their viewpoint instead of
trying to reason it away. after all, i have zero experience with this."
i am just now starting to realize how deeply insulated i was in layers of
christianese. i was in with the christianest of the christianest.
each layer subverted has brought me closer to the marginalized and
each layer closer to the marginalized i realize how little of an outsider
i actually am.
i can choose.
i did choose for so long to belong where i knew i did not belong.
fortunately/unfortunately i only learned how to have faith
in circumstances where i belong.
that's what happened as a result of christian tribalism.
you're with us or against us.
tick off the boxes to prove your faith.
belong with the right people,
say the right words and you're in.
because, somehow, belonging equals faith.
faith equals fitting into the status quo.
status quo means unilateral beliefs.
belief means your life will line up with man-interpreted rules.
i'm not marginalized. i'm not an outsider. i'm not a freak.
but i'm not an insider either.
not any more.
hop on over and read it. go ahead. i'll wait.
it's short and wonderfully to the point.
unfortunately, i can't seem to write that way.
paeth talks about christianity as a community for and of the outsiders.
no matter my doubts and problems with church and religion, this is a
description of christianity that resonates with my soul and
my understanding of the bible and doctrine.
i didn't always understand what that meant.
okay. if i'm being true here, i still don't understand what that means.
which is pretty much the point of the blog linked to above.
i am just now starting to say "okay, if an african american says this is
racist, maybe i should listen to them and their viewpoint instead of
trying to reason it away. after all, i have zero experience with this."
i am just now starting to realize how deeply insulated i was in layers of
christianese. i was in with the christianest of the christianest.
each layer subverted has brought me closer to the marginalized and
each layer closer to the marginalized i realize how little of an outsider
i actually am.
i can choose.
i did choose for so long to belong where i knew i did not belong.
fortunately/unfortunately i only learned how to have faith
in circumstances where i belong.
that's what happened as a result of christian tribalism.
you're with us or against us.
tick off the boxes to prove your faith.
belong with the right people,
say the right words and you're in.
because, somehow, belonging equals faith.
faith equals fitting into the status quo.
status quo means unilateral beliefs.
belief means your life will line up with man-interpreted rules.
i'm not marginalized. i'm not an outsider. i'm not a freak.
but i'm not an insider either.
not any more.
again
i'm writing again.
nothing important, just writing.
i wrote letters to my children. a love letter to the man.
i am almost ready to start replying to emails.
and i am definitely ready to be transparent - transparent even in front of gossipers.
so.
transparency.
here we go.
nothing important, just writing.
i wrote letters to my children. a love letter to the man.
i am almost ready to start replying to emails.
and i am definitely ready to be transparent - transparent even in front of gossipers.
so.
transparency.
here we go.
true rae
I started this blog a while ago in hopes that someday I would be free enough to write.
I titled it true rae because I wanted it to be a place for my true, flawed, self.
I titled it true rae because I wanted it to be a place for my true, flawed, self.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Swinging At Sunset [I Heart Faces]
Loving the entries this week for the I Heart Faces "On Your Feet" Challenge!
I took this photo while I was swinging with my children at the park. I love the sun, I love my barefoot shoes and I love the memories of my family that this photo brings back.
And maybe I'm still a child at heart, but I just love swinging at sunset. :)
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